help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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