is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
