i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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