Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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