So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
