I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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