I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
