Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sext me about skeletons
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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