as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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