I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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