forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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