Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
