??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
