so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
