my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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