I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
