just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
