I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We had sex on a dog bed..
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
