So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
