so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
