I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
