GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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