Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
