you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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