so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
