I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
