Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
