Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
