this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
