you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
