Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
