Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize