tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
