If that was your dad, he is hot
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
