felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
