What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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