Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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