I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
