I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
