We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
