I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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