Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
