Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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