was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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