Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
