Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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