Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
