i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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