i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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