Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
