she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Are my feet made of real feet?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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