Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
