Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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