Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
