There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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