He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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