watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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