fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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