I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
