just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
