That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
