And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
