if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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