She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
