Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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