I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
